Dear “New” Coloradans

I want to say this is by far one of the funniest rants Ive ever seen posted to Craigslist.
Dear “New” Coloradans: Here is Beginner’s Guide To Help You Out!Dear “New” Coloradans, (Yup, that means “you” if we have been here reduction than 5 years or those of we who changed here for a weed given legalization)As a endangered Colorado local who is witnessing a vast race liquid and demographic change in my beloved, pleasing state, we feel it is required to prominence a few issues, offer some suggestions and guidance, and generally lay down a law for we “new” Coloradans so we can all hopefully get along in a destiny given things are removing a small out of control right now.In no sold sequence we begin:Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans



2) Assimilate if we do already live here. You know how local Coloradans know we are new to a state and are going to be an vitriolic pain in a ass? Because we are wearing a “Colorado” t-shirt, a “Colorado” hat, a “Colorado” wrist band, your automobile is lonesome in “Colorado” stickers and your mangy-assed, unruly, misbehaving untamed child is wearing a “Colorado” diaper. STOP IMMEDIATELY. No local Coloradan has ever overly displayed a state dwindle in such a manner. Stop being so obvious, only dress like we did behind in California or New York.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

3) Yes pot is authorised in Colorado. Hooray. Yay. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Many of us in Colorado (including myself) voted for legalization. That does not meant ALL Coloradans fume weed.

Please humour your weed responsibly in your possess home as a law states. Walking down a track pulling bong hits while erratic weakly into a street, attack a siren in rush hour trade and sitting by 4 cycles of a stop light, and constantly vagrant for/and or charity weed as form of remuneration for services rendered is not excusable and it is still illegal.

If we burst start your car, or lift we out of a embankment given we are a shitty motorist in a snow, contend “Thank You” yet DO NOT try to cheat me with “weed bro”. we am NOT your “bro.” we am a local Coloradan being a good Samaritan and we don’t need “smoke” or “420? in payment.

Stop smoking your weed in public, all yet many of us support your right to legally fume weed in a remoteness of your possess home, we do not like carrying a fume blown in a faces 24/7, and we are ill of a state smelling like a skunk’s nutsack.

ACT RESPONSIBLY given right now we fuckers are giving a legalization transformation a bad name with your childish and foolish antics here in Colorado. If drunks acted like many of we pot heads are now behaving there would be another Prohibition movement. Please, chill a fuck out.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

4) Please RESPECT a mountains! If we are going on your really initial camping outing ever, greatfully container out EVERYTHING we container in! There are not “forest mommies” who come in to collect adult your rabble after we leave a campsite! It is YOUR avocation as Colorado citizen to strengthen a forest areas and leave them as we found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!

5) For a adore of Christ tunnels ARE NOT fucking stop signs!!!! we comprehend that there is zero taller than a parasite turd in Illinois and a whole judgment of pushing a automobile by a hole in a towering is substantially terrifying for a lot of you, yet there’s zero to be fearful of. Tunnels aren’t a portal into some “Alice in Wonderland” bizarro world. “Tunnels” are plane shafts wearied by a towering that capacitate car transport unimpeded. A “stop” pointer is an octagonal square of square metal, embellished red with a white outline that has a word “STOP” emblazoned on it in vast white letters. “Stop” signs are found on poles, routinely during intersections of bustling streets. “Tunnels” are only holes that go by a rock. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AND HAVE A CASE OF THE “PANIC PISSES” AT EVERY TUNNEL YOU ENCOUNTER- Just expostulate by a tunnel, they are not “scary” and we will come out a other side only fine. If it is confusing, only remember “stop” during signs, expostulate by “tunnels”…it’s not that fucking formidable people.

6) “All-wheel drive” “4-wheel drive” and “SUV” does not meant we can expostulate like a goddamned violent in a snow. These comforts simply urge your vehicles ability to scheme in a snow, or off-road, yet they do not meant we can stop now on black ice. You still need to expostulate with some aspect of counsel and shortcoming in bad weather.
6b) The same goes for complicated rain- Why do all of we new Coloradans come to a finish stop in a sleet and panic shit all over yourselves and disturb and intone in tongues when it rains? You expostulate like madmen on speed when it snows, yet a small sleet hits and we all humour from finish physique and mental shutdown??? FIGURE IT OUT PLEASE- Just delayed down a small bit in BOTH sleet AND sleet and you’ll be only fine.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

7) Nobody thinks your children are cute. Keep them muzzled in a behind chair and for fucks consequence never, ever, ever underneath ANY resources take them in to a restaurant. In Colorado we still consider children are to be seen and not heard, and your undisciplined, shitty-pants, dirty-faced, mess-haired monster needs a scold donkey violence and some function parameters laid out clearly in front of them before we take them out in public. That “free spirit” parenting bullshit, and “it takes a village” genius might be a approach it’s finished in California, yet here in Colorado it’s not. If we won’t fortify those screaming breathe pissers I’ll lay a violence on them for you, they aren’t my kids, trust me, we bay no reservations during swatting a irritating small cocksuckers.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

8) If we see one some-more fucking fleece vest I’m gonna discharge some pointless ass-beatings.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

9) When we take brief half-mile travel on well-maintained, paved track with a parking lot with toilet comforts and cruise pavilions YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING FRAME BACKPACK, FLARE GUN, AND AN IDITAROD DOG TEAM. It’s a fucking paved track we candy asses! Take a bottle of H2O and go. REAL Coloradans can go 10 miles into a behind nation above 11,000 ft. with a bottle of water, square of beef jerky and slot knife, no map, no trail, no “safety signs” and come behind alive a few hours after totally protection by a hike. What a ruin do we wimps need 400 pounds of presence rigging for to travel around a lake during Wash Park for??? Harden a fuck adult if you’re gonna live here!

10) Learn how to fucking park in a mountains! Every week a problem gets worse and worse. The Rocky Mountains are outrageous and camber thousands of squares miles within a state of Colorado- Everybody DOES NOT have to go to a same track on a same fucking day and burden each track in and out with their fucked adult Subarus lonesome in “Colorado” stickers that are improperly or illegally parked all over a shoulders of a already slight towering roads, causing a clusterfuck for us local Coloradans who are perplexing to get from Point A to Point B. we would rarely advise and entirely inspire all of we “new” Coloradans to deposit in a peculiarity atlas of a state of Colorado so we dumbshits can comprehend that there are copiousness of simply permitted towering areas to visit, not only Gray’s Peak and Guanella Pass…Then again, reading an atlas would need some volume of personal initiative, comprehension and thoroughness as good as methodical skills and a clarity of direction, and when you’re befuddled out of your mind 24/7 that is impossible. So fuck it!

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

11) Use your spin signals when changing lanes. It’s not that tough we assholes.

12) In Colorado, generally outward of a metro area many local Coloradans still call during flitting vehicles on a waste behind roads. It is Colorado practice to lapse a call with a curtsy and smile, not to flip a chairman off and roar “Fuck we asshole! Are we steppin?” That is California and New York behavior, not Colorado behavior, and it is not acquire or wanted in a state. Believe it or not, before all of we high-strung, intense, indignant city assholes from a coasts changed here and brought your annoy and loathing with you, Colorado was a happy, mellow place, Many of us would like to see that lapse yet we need we all to dump a attitudes during a limit when we pierce here.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

13) Colorado has a outrageous Hispanic population. Please do not try to be politically scold by attempting to pronounce to them all in Spanish. Many of Colorado’s Hispanic families have been here given a early 1800s and these families have been rarely successful in a story of a good state. They pronounce English and aren’t “Mexicans” who are your servants that we need to pronounce down to. Pack your high and mighty, conceited (and ignorant) condescending domestic exactness adult your donkey and provide them like a ideally normal tellurian beings they are, not “exotic Hispanic novelties” that we can write home about. There is zero some-more pitiable and foolish than examination a politically scold pansy smack a Spanish denunciation while perplexing to pronounce to someone who speaks English only fine. STOP.

14) AGAIN, CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. Just reiterating a indicate done previously.

15) If we somehow get mislaid on a approach to a latest “hip bistro” and find yourself in a cowboy bar, DO NOT try to fit in by loading a jukebox adult with Luke Bryan. You’re expected to find yourself on a receiving finish of a vigourous man’s fist and another’s foot heel. Your easterly and west seashore conceptions of what it “country” are incorrect. As a matter of fact if we find yourself incidentally in a cowboy bar, only spin around and leave and go find that bistro we were looking for. Some arugula and an IPA looks improved on we than a black eye anyhow.

16) Real Coloradans possess guns, fishing poles, tents, etc. We hunt, fish, splash beer, fart, contend fuck, use a “N” word when it’s called for, and aren’t fearful to fly a dwindle and tell a truth. If it’s shit we’re gonna call it shit and not dance around a subject. If we are “offended” by anything, leave Colorado and go behind to whatever paradise origin we came. We’re still “real” here.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

17) Rivers and streams and and riverbanks are for ALL of us tip humour — Not only 10-speed assholes and holier than thou eltist fly fishing pricks. We can vessel for bullion and use a worm in a same stream we fly fish or bike alongside, and my bullion vessel or worm is going to means reduction ecological repairs than a bulldozers and dynamite that are raping a riverbank to build your fucking bike path.

In closing, know that Colorado is a western state that was founded on a behind violation labor, blood, persperate and tears of pioneers, miners, ranchers and farmers. Colorado gained it’s strength by attention prolonged before it was a “weed state” and a breakwater for trust funders journey a civic cesspools of California and a easterly coast. You’re acquire in a state, yet know a enlightenment and don’t try to mold Colorado into a picture of a shit holes we left. If we wish that lifestyle, go behind home, if we wish a “authentic” Colorado lifestyle we need harden adult and take a few lessons.

Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans


Thanks for flocking here by a thousands and pushing adult a cost of vital to an violent level! Three years ago we could lease a good place in Denver for underneath $1000, now we can’t get a card shed in a poor for underneath $2000. Thanks Dicks! You’ve done a dive lords abounding and fucked over a center class!













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